Thinking about Grandpa this Christmas

Grandpa was a TV star as far as my 4-year-old mind could grasp. I never got tired of seeing his commercial for the Chinese herbal store he worked at. When he came home, he would ask me to scratch his head and my cousin to massage his feet. It didn't gross me out then, but I do remember how oily my hands would get.

He rewarded us for A's on our report cards and always wore a brown hat with a rim all the way around. He hated it when I ate with my fingers and when I gnawed at my drumsticks until there was nothing left. He said it wasn't "lady-like". I hated that and would go on a feminist rant inside my head. I was 7.


My cousins and I took our grandparents out for lunch a couple of years ago. Grandpa showed early signs of Alzheimer's then, though we were all in denial. He's wearing his famous brown-rimmed hat!


My grandpa was always generous. He always wanted to provide for us. He was very social and made and kept lots of friends. Jenn told me that with Alzheimer's a person's dominant personality shines through. That's what we've been seeing on Grandpa's best and worst days. At every meal, he refuses to eat because he is concerned that the rest of us have nothing to eat. He wants to give money to all the nurses who help him and gets upset when he realizes he has none. He is so grateful for any help that he gets, even in the midst of his anger. And he loves Grandma a lot. A lot. That was something I never got to see when I was growing up.

By God's grace, my grandpa still remembers me. He even remembers the coconut cookies I used to make him. But being with my grandpa is still really hard right now. On his good days, which are few and far between, his wit creates laughter that fills the hospital room. But his bad days are excruciatingly painful and heartbreaking. Ironically, however, while this disease is taking over my grandpa's mind, I feel like I know him better than I ever have before. I know his fears. I more clearly see his heart. I have grown to really respect my grandpa in these last few weeks. And, for that, I can be grateful.