A New Year

I can't believe I've let over 2 years pass since I last wrote in this blog.  Today I was reflecting on God's mightiness to save and whenever I do, I think of my kids and the families who have graced my life over my past 7 years of teaching.  There have been so many different stories, so many people from different places in life who have come in and changed me in some way.  It's a blessing and their stories aren't ones that I want to forget.  In these past 2 years I had stepped away and disconnected my heart from my work.  I was tired and didn't really have the emotional space to engage.  But I'm ready to reconnect again as I remember the blessing in the work.  So this new year, here's to remembering and seeing and connecting to the people God sends into my life.  People who make me laugh, people who frustrate me, people who break my heart, and people who help me to see how mighty our God really is.

monster

E came into the classroom scratching his head.  "Mrs. Barker, can I go to the restroom to wash my hand?  A monster dropped on me."

"A monster?"

"Yeah.  It dropped on me!"

Now I know they had just seen some hawks out on the playground.  Maybe a bird pooped on his head?  "E, by monster do you mean a bird pooped on you?"

"Noooo!  A monster!"

"A monster?  Like the kind that go 'Boo!'"?

Then he showed me his hand stained in yellow.  "Nooo!  A MONSTARD!"

We were both laughing too hard for me to tell him that he should've washed his hands before he came in.

Remembering and Living

I spent yesterday at school with my kids and their families. It's the first Saturday School that I've been to in a year - the other ones were spent in hospitals with my parents. I was so grateful to be at school this weekend, even though I looked anxiously at my phone on Friday afternoon, hoping to not receive the same call that came on Fridays at 12:30 right before both Saturday Schools last year. I am so happy to report that that call didn't come this time.

I don't think the significance of being at a Saturday School really struck me until I was sitting in church this morning, thinking about God's love. The past school year has been crazy. It found me feeling weak, weary, and so low in joy - I was simply pushing through to make it to the end of each day.

But today, I celebrate. It has been a year since my mom was in the emergency room the first time. The feelings of that week are still so raw in my heart, but as another school year begins, the hope of a new season comes with it and I am so grateful for this fresh beginning. I'm grateful that both my parents are healthy and in the calm after the storm, I can finally recognize God's love through this past year. And I am overwhelemed. I am overwhelmed by the people He sent into my life to take care of me. I am overwhelmed by the ways He loved me through my family and friends who helped me make health decisions for my parents, cooked for me, prayed for me, prayed with me, and even prayed with my parents. I am overwhelmed by the gift He gave me in Mason who sat with me through the nights waiting for each parent to come out of surgery and who held me as I cried through the emotional rollar coaster of the year.

I remember the last year and I'm grateful that that year is over. Today, I sit and live in being Abba's child - overwhelemed by His love. I pray that God would teach me how to live in that this whole year long.

Lessons from Nature

Mason and I road tripped down the California Coast after Caroline and Lucas' wedding in Napa this past week. At the end of our trip, we decided to climb a rock at Montana de Oro in Morro Bay (as recommended by Eric!). We sat at the top of the rock in awe of this view in front of us. As we sat there we were so struck by the story of life that nature was telling before our eyes.

The rocks out before us did not always look as it does now. But the work of the constant waves has shaped it and continues to do so, day and night whether or not anyone is watching. The change is so gradual it is impossible to see with the human eye, but it's happening. In midst of the slowness of change, we wondered if something catastrophic also happened somewhere along the way - an earthquake, perhaps - that changed the rock more suddenly, more noticeably.

Isn't it so with life? It feels like a lot of catastrophic happened last year - not so much change but things that happened that opened my eyes to how I was living and how I want to live. With that work done, I am now entering a new season, so wanting to change but unsure how. So often I wonder what God is doing in me, if anything at all. I wonder if I'm doing enough in this process. But it's comforting to be reminded that God is as constant as the waves. Like the rocks, I just have to be open and allow Him to do His work.

And His work is good. The moment on top of this rock at Montana de Oro assured me of that.

My parents came to see my first graders in their end-of-the-year play. At the end of it, A came up to me and asked, "Ms. Wong, why is your mom walking with that thing?" His hand motioned to the walker.

They know the stories of my mom being in the hospital, but I guess it didn't click for him. "I'm not sure, A, why don't you ask her?" (That's me trying to encourage student discourse)

A quickly went up to my mom and asked, "Que paso?"

In his mind, you have to speak to parents in Spanish in order for them to understand you.

Love it.

An Important Lesson

We were in middle of play practice. I was working with the Cast A while Cast B was working on an independent activity at their desk. Cast B KNEW not to bother me because it was crunch time and I needed to give my full attention to the students on stage.

But that did not stop Bryant. In middle of a scene he came running up to me shouting "I can read it? I can read it?" The intonation he used made me think he was asking me if he could read the story I had assigned. I was annoyed (since he already knew the directions) and motioned for him to go back to his desk. So, he did.

As I continued to work with the students on stage my ears tuned into Bryant and did a double take. Bryant was READING the story aloud, all by himself! Bryant has struggled with reading Kindergarten texts all year and here he was now reading a first grade story. And then it clicked.

I left my students on stage and went over to Bryant. "Bryant, are you reading that all by yourself?"

"Yes," he replied with a hidden smile.

"You were trying to tell me that you can read, huh?"

He just looked at me, the smile shining brighter than before.

I gave him a hug and told him how proud I was. As I walked away, Bryant went right back to the story, reading even more confidently now.

This year has been one of the most difficult ones that I have had to come face-to-face with. I've broken down so many nights, not knowing if I had what it would take to keep pushing through - for my family, for my kids, or for myself. But the year is now over and I think about Bryant. All year, Bryant felt like the thing in my life that was pushing me over the edge. I've been angry with God for orchestrating this year the way that He did. I questioned why He would give me such a needy kid during a year that I had almost nothing to give. But I think I understand it a little bit more now. While it felt like Bryant was the straw that was going to break the camel's back, he actually was the one who brought me incredible joy - a joy that comes from knowing that God strengthens, empowers, and lavishes grace when I feel like I have absolutely nothing left. And at the end of the year, He shows me what I can do when I lean into Him, knowing that I am weak. He shows me a student who can read, a student who passed his 1st grade math benchmark, and most importantly, a student who has a newfound confidence in himself and a new love for school and for learning.

So, tonight, I'm grateful for Bryant because he taught me well this year. He taught me that the scripture is true...I am weak, but my God is strong.

Yes, I do know magic.

C has been working on not interrupting in class. He hasn't been very successful. I've been working on being more patient with the students. I haven't been very successful. The other day, in middle of a reading lesson, C kept shouting out that it was too cold. I started getting frustrateed with him, so I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to make sure the words that came out of my mouth would be ones that would calmly remind him to raise his hand. After I opened my eyes again, I decided to not say anything and move on with the lesson because it seemed like he had gotten the point and I had just turned the air conditioner down.

A couple hours later, in middle of a math test, C finds it very important to get out of his seat to come talk to me.

"It was like magic, Ms. Wong."

I looked at him curiously.

"When I told you it was cold and you closed your eyes, when you opened your eyes again, the air conditioner went off."

Haha. Wow, I guess God is able to use my self-calming techniques to amaze my kids.